Pushing away the bad memories

This week marks the year anniversary of the worst day of my life.  I have found myself struggling all week to just breathe.  Stop and focus on not breaking down, think of a good memory...no wait that doesn't work that just reminds me of what we have lost as a family better think of something else.  The problem is that doesn't work either.  For over a month I have dreaded April 28th, anytime you suffer the loss of a loved one you have to suffer through all the days and special occasions without that person.  You find yourself remembering what you were doing one year ago on that day.  One year ago today at about this time my husband was having a light hearted phone conversation with his brother.  They talked about normal brother stuff, they laughed and made plans to play golf and life was as it should be.   One year ago today also marks the last day Bryan spent on this earth.  My heart breaks every day for my loss because he was more brother than in-law.  My heart breaks for my husband who lost his best friend, my heart breaks for my children who loved him and still talk about him daily.  My heart breaks for my mother-in-law who lost her child.  No one is my family will be the same without Bryan or Uncle Bryan the Richard as my boys sometimes call him.

So what am I going to do tomorrow?  That is the question I have been thinking about for over a month.  It isn't a holiday but I can't imagine trying to do anything tomorrow.  I wanted to find a way to remember Bryan in a positive way so I decided tomorrow I will plant a small flower garden to remember Bryan.  This is my attempt at making something beautiful while I remember the beautiful person Bryan was.

Slacker Mom!

SPRING BREAK!!!!!!  Everyone is so excited!  A week to do nothing but whatever we want!  I had some plans of things to do with my boys all week to make it memorable for them since we weren't planning a trip.  On Friday, the last day of school before the break, Jason and I had lunch with some friends.  They were taking their children to spend the week with grandparents which gave Jason a brilliant idea!  Well he thought it was brilliant anyway.  He called his Aunt Joyce and asked it she would like a visit from 2 of her favorite great-nephews for a couple of nights.  The answer was YES!!!  We love Joycee, she is much more grandmother than aunt.  She is always there for our family when we need her, everyone should have a Joycee in their life.
We dropped the big boys off on Sunday after spending the day with Jason's grandmother.  They were going to spend 3 nights and I would be back to get them of Wednesday.  Now we get to the slacker mom part.  I felt so guilty about dropping my boys off.  I wasn't doing anything that required someone else to take care of my children.  Lazy lazy lazy!  I cleaned my house, I taught Jazzecise classes, I took Jensen for walks, I went to the grocery store without going crazy, I made way too much for dinner, a gallon of milk lasted the whole week.  I was getting an idea of what it might be like when my boys go off to college.  They are off having the time of their lives and I am sitting at home wondering what they are doing and waiting for a phone call, for one of my boys to miss me.
I made it through Sunday night and Monday.  Monday evening I decided to call my boys since they hadn't decided to call me yet and I got the devasting news.  "Mommy we aren't coming home, we decided to stay till Friday.  Joycee said it is fine with her so don't come and get us."  WHAT????!!!!!  I wasn't expecting this from Jackson, he is my boy that misses his Momma.  Even if I an only out for the night.  He ALWAYS wants his Mommy to tuck him in.  I resisted the urge to refuse because I felt guilty about not taking care of my babies.  Afterall spring break is about having fun, it's about a break from your daily grind.  Even if that means a break from me.  So with a semi broken heart and tears in my eyes I said "If it is OK with Joycee it is OK with me."  (I of course cleared this with Joyce).
Finally on Thursday evening my boys came home (they didn't quite make it to Friday).  They rushed to me with hugs and "I missed you", which warmed my heart.  But what made it all worth the week of guilt and missing my boys were 2 comments, one from each boy.  Jackson and Joel's best friends were here when they got home and they of course wanted the boys to play with them because they hadn't seen each other in a week.  Jackson's response "Madelynne I can't play outside right now I want to have a few minutes with my Mommy, I haven't seen her in days."  and  Joel gave me a big hug and told me "Mommy this is the best day of my life!"  I can hear an AWWWWW from everyone reading this now. 

Finding my sanity!

I have been making an effort to make things more fun for me and for my boys.  Some of the things I have done this week to accomplish this are:

-Instead of fussing at the boys for running in the Jazzercise building I played tag with them until customers started arriving.
-Instead of telling Jensen to get off my stage I had him do a routine with me.
-Instead of saying for the 1,000,000,000th time "Jensen DON'T TOUCH MY IPOD!" I found something for him to pretend was his ipod.
-Instead of taking the Nerf guns away from the boys for shooting each other, we set up a shooting range on landscape timbers using the recycling.
-Instead of sending Joel to his room for quite time because he wouldn't quit talking at school I went to his room with him and we talked and talked and talked!
-Instead of stressing about healthy snacks I let the boys eat cereal and oatmeal.
-Instead of worrying about the fact that the big boys cut their own hair and rushing them to get a new haircut, I left it alone.  Jackson is sporting a nice gap in the front but he doesn't mind so I don't either.
-Instead of pushing the potty training I am taking cues from my 2 year old.  When he is ready he will let me know, but that doesn't stop me if I catch him "in the moment" and rushing him to the potty for 1 less poopy diaper to change.
-Instead of losing my cool because Joel is refusing to take his medicine I calmly explain to him why we need it and how proud he will feel when he is feeling better because he took his medicine like a champ!
-Instead of getting frustrated because all my boys want to talk at once and they just get louder and louder, I recognize each one "Ok Jackson, what did you want to say?  OK Joel, now it is your turn, what were you saying?  Jensen do you have anything you would like to tell Mommy or your brothers?"  It seems to be working at least for now.

So those are just a few of the things that have helped me be a little less crazy this week.  And on these rainy days I need as much help as I can get with 3 stir crazy boys!

Working harder!

As soon as I was old enough to notice there are people in the world other than me I have noticed that my mom can't take a compliment.  Every "You look great!" my mother gets is followed by a "Oh yea" (insert heavy sacastic tone).  "Wow this dessert is wonderful."  is followed by "Oh it was nothing, really."  I have fussed at her for years.  Just accept how great you are and say "Thank you".  Now I am a mom and most of my friends are moms and I have found that it must be a mom thing.  I have been working hard lately to lose some weight and I have been pretty successful.  I have been met with lots of "Wow Mary Lynn you look so skinny", "you have lost some weight, you look great" you know that kind of thing.  All these compliments and words of encouragement ususally get the same response "Whatever!!!  I am so not skinny!" or "I still have lots to lose."  Why is it so hard to say thank you???  I think once we become mothers we want to shift the focus from ourselves to others.  For some strange reason as moms we think that if we accept a compliment it means we are making others feel bad.   Like if my mom accepts a compliment on a wonderful dessert she is saying "it wouldn't hurt you to crack a cook book every now and then".  So today and am going to start trying to listen to what I have been telling my Momma for years.  I am working harder at saying thank you and being proud of the things that I do and not making it out to be no big deal.  And my hope is that all my mommy friends will do the same because you are all FABULOUS!

It's all about Jensen!

It's been awhile since I talked a bit about my sweet Jensen and he has changed so much!  He has gone from being a baby, so easy and cuddly and sweet to being 2.  I won't say terrible 2 because he is anything but terrible but at times he is a trying 2.   Into EVERYTHING, if it is within his reach it must belong to him!  He is curious and I keep telling myself that is a good thing.  He is testing his limits and I keep telling myself that is good too but with that comes testing Mommy's patience and that is not good!  I can't count the number of times in a day that I say "Jensen WHAT ARE YOU DOING?????"  Most people who have or have had a 2 year old know exactly what I am talking about.

Well along with the getting into everything and the climbing the furniture and dragging all the toys out and general messes of 2 comes the joy of a 2 year old.  Jensen goes around the house and says: "Is this a toy? No.  Is this a toy? No."  He will say that about 10 times about 10 different things until he finds something he thinks is acceptable as a toy.  It is hilarious!  He prefaces everything he says with "Mommy, can I tell you something?"  For example "Mommy can I tell you something?  I need a diaper change.  Mommy can I tell you something?  I love you.  Mommy can I tell you something?  Can I watch Mickey Mouse?"  Also hilarious!  No matter what you say to him the first thing he says is "What?".  I think it is because you can't always understand a 2 yr old so a lot of the time when he tells me something I say "what?"  because I don't understand what he said.  Either that or it is genetic, my Dad says if the first thing I say is "what?"  then I am about to be less that truthful and I need a minute to make it good.

Jensen is the baby brother with 2 older brothers teaching him all about the world.  They teach him to run and jump and spit and all the boy stuff that Mommy doesn't know about or doesn't want to know about.  They have made him tough, he can hold his own.  As a matter of fact Jackson and Joel come crying to me often because "Jensen hit/pinched/scratched/pulled my hair!!"  I think he is being proactive, trying to teach his big brothers he is not to be messed with.

Being the mother of 3 boys is a constant battle and a constant joy!  I spend most of my day refereeing and cleaning up various messes.  It is all so worth it because I am well paid.  I can't count the number of unsolicited hugs and kisses and I love yous that I get in a day.  Even when I am teaching a Jazzercise class and they can't talk to me they tell me they love me in sign language.  I am often told that in many cultures have 3 sons is considered a huge blessing and I know from experience that is really is! 

It's just easier if I do it myself.

Did anyone watch Desparate Housewives on Sunday?  Well there was one particular part of the episode that I related to completely.  Lynette's grown sons don't even know where she keeps the eggs, much less how to prepare them because Mom's answer is always "It's just easier if I do it myself".  For anyone who doesn't speak "mommy" that translates to I want to take care of my children and keep them little as long as possible.  We (maybe I should say "I") like to feel needed because one of these days our little ones will leave the nest.  I get teared up just thinking about it.

Jackson talks about growing up all the time.  He has it all worked out.  He is going to live in California (this changes depending on the day) and Mommy and Daddy are invited over every Sunday for pancakes.  Pancakes are our family breakfast most Sundays.  Sometimes he is going to live next door to me and connect our houses with a bridge, I am sure his future wife will love this!  Sometimes he is going to live with me until I am 99.  No matter how his plans change even Jackson knows he won't be with me forever.

Lately I have been working on letting them all do things for themselves, make their own beds, clean their rooms, take their dishes to the sink, shower with minimal help from me, pick out their own clothes (this one is the hardest for me) and so on.  The big thing is learning to tie our own shoes.  Geez you would think I was asking them to climb Mt. Everest!  We whine and cry and there is a lot of "Mommy I just can't do it!!!!!!!  Pllllleeeeeaaaassssseeeee do it for me!  I will tie my own shoes when I am 15 (this is the magic age for my boys not sure why)."  So I sit and I demonstrate and then I talk them through it and then they have to try.  Man this really is easier if I just do it myself!!!!  But then what?  I end up with grown sons who can't tie their own shoes.  I stay calm and patient in the face of all the whining and I don't give into my urge to keep my babies little.  Finally results!  And we are one step closer to having a self sufficient man!  Again I have tears in my eyes!

The most romantic man in Habersham County!

A couple of weeks ago Jason informed me that the Northeast Georgian was having a contest.  In 300 words or less women would write about why their husband/boyfriend was the most romantic man in Habersham!  I laughed it off thinking he was just being silly.  He mentioned it again and then again, I starting to think he might be serious about this.  Then the icing on the cake, he sent me the link to the contest!  My first response was "Honey you aren't what most women would think of as romantic."  His reply:  "WHAT????  You must be crazy!"  My second thought, I am a horrible writer!  He could be the world's most romantic man, he could a world renowned author writing on the topic of romance and I wouldn't be able to convey to the world why he was romantic.  But for my husband, who I love 4 (it's an inside joke), I entered this contest and I did my best!  And here is my entry:

Why is my husband the most romantic man?  There are a million reasons that I love him and just as many little things he does that mean we belong together.   My husband is not a man for the huge romantic gesture.  He is more a man of timing the small things perfectly.  When I am sad he makes me rootbeer floats because they always cheer me up.  He plans a getaway for just the two of us once a year because he still enjoys spending time with his wife.  He puts time and thought into every gift. He knows me so well he buys me the things that I never knew I always wanted.  When we argue he tells me he is "going to be married to me for the rest of his life" so it is important to talk until we figure out the problem and come to an agreement on how to fix it.  We have been married for almost 13 years and I cannot express how much that simple sentence means to me "I am going to be married to you for the rest of my life".  In a world that takes marriage too lightly he is still pleading his undying love to me.  I am going to love you forever.  He chose me to be his wife and to share his life with and he chooses me everyday and that is what makes him the most romantic guy around.

So do you think I have a chance?  You know what it doesn't matter if I win the dinner at the Attic.  I am happily married to a man that was hand picked for me.  I am more blessed than I ever would have imagined, so whether I am having dinner at the Attic as a contest winner or having sandwiches at home I won!