Pushing away the bad memories

This week marks the year anniversary of the worst day of my life.  I have found myself struggling all week to just breathe.  Stop and focus on not breaking down, think of a good memory...no wait that doesn't work that just reminds me of what we have lost as a family better think of something else.  The problem is that doesn't work either.  For over a month I have dreaded April 28th, anytime you suffer the loss of a loved one you have to suffer through all the days and special occasions without that person.  You find yourself remembering what you were doing one year ago on that day.  One year ago today at about this time my husband was having a light hearted phone conversation with his brother.  They talked about normal brother stuff, they laughed and made plans to play golf and life was as it should be.   One year ago today also marks the last day Bryan spent on this earth.  My heart breaks every day for my loss because he was more brother than in-law.  My heart breaks for my husband who lost his best friend, my heart breaks for my children who loved him and still talk about him daily.  My heart breaks for my mother-in-law who lost her child.  No one is my family will be the same without Bryan or Uncle Bryan the Richard as my boys sometimes call him.

So what am I going to do tomorrow?  That is the question I have been thinking about for over a month.  It isn't a holiday but I can't imagine trying to do anything tomorrow.  I wanted to find a way to remember Bryan in a positive way so I decided tomorrow I will plant a small flower garden to remember Bryan.  This is my attempt at making something beautiful while I remember the beautiful person Bryan was.

Slacker Mom!

SPRING BREAK!!!!!!  Everyone is so excited!  A week to do nothing but whatever we want!  I had some plans of things to do with my boys all week to make it memorable for them since we weren't planning a trip.  On Friday, the last day of school before the break, Jason and I had lunch with some friends.  They were taking their children to spend the week with grandparents which gave Jason a brilliant idea!  Well he thought it was brilliant anyway.  He called his Aunt Joyce and asked it she would like a visit from 2 of her favorite great-nephews for a couple of nights.  The answer was YES!!!  We love Joycee, she is much more grandmother than aunt.  She is always there for our family when we need her, everyone should have a Joycee in their life.
We dropped the big boys off on Sunday after spending the day with Jason's grandmother.  They were going to spend 3 nights and I would be back to get them of Wednesday.  Now we get to the slacker mom part.  I felt so guilty about dropping my boys off.  I wasn't doing anything that required someone else to take care of my children.  Lazy lazy lazy!  I cleaned my house, I taught Jazzecise classes, I took Jensen for walks, I went to the grocery store without going crazy, I made way too much for dinner, a gallon of milk lasted the whole week.  I was getting an idea of what it might be like when my boys go off to college.  They are off having the time of their lives and I am sitting at home wondering what they are doing and waiting for a phone call, for one of my boys to miss me.
I made it through Sunday night and Monday.  Monday evening I decided to call my boys since they hadn't decided to call me yet and I got the devasting news.  "Mommy we aren't coming home, we decided to stay till Friday.  Joycee said it is fine with her so don't come and get us."  WHAT????!!!!!  I wasn't expecting this from Jackson, he is my boy that misses his Momma.  Even if I an only out for the night.  He ALWAYS wants his Mommy to tuck him in.  I resisted the urge to refuse because I felt guilty about not taking care of my babies.  Afterall spring break is about having fun, it's about a break from your daily grind.  Even if that means a break from me.  So with a semi broken heart and tears in my eyes I said "If it is OK with Joycee it is OK with me."  (I of course cleared this with Joyce).
Finally on Thursday evening my boys came home (they didn't quite make it to Friday).  They rushed to me with hugs and "I missed you", which warmed my heart.  But what made it all worth the week of guilt and missing my boys were 2 comments, one from each boy.  Jackson and Joel's best friends were here when they got home and they of course wanted the boys to play with them because they hadn't seen each other in a week.  Jackson's response "Madelynne I can't play outside right now I want to have a few minutes with my Mommy, I haven't seen her in days."  and  Joel gave me a big hug and told me "Mommy this is the best day of my life!"  I can hear an AWWWWW from everyone reading this now.